what a week

Well, it's been one of those weeks, when it feels like everything is pressing down on you and you just don't know how you're going to make it through today, let alone tomorrow. But I also feel like I've been really blessed in dealing with it, because I've got lots of support.

Let's count my blessings: I received well over a dozen notes of encouragement from Covenant Presbyterian Church, which was AWESOME, because they ended up being spaced about 3 to a day and arrived all week, so that little bit of support went a very long way to making me feel loved-from-afar. I think I'd have to credit this surprise for a general buoyancy that kept me afloat this week.
My in-laws are phenomenal, as is my husband--all three of which have tolerated my wretched grumpiness this week with barely a raised eyebrow. I have been in my "prickly pear" mode, meaning that my prickles have been out subjugating the world, and my pear has remained...succulent? Oh the metaphor worked much better earlier this week.
My classmates are really great. I think I've connected with at least one person during each break this week, and several of us have gotten all teary at a number of points.

That's something I don't think we really expected: that we'd cry when things got overwhelming, or we had too much reading to do, or couldn't study for the quizzes enough. I hugged a big grown man the other night when he said "I haven't cried this much since I was a kid," and I said, "me too!" and we just looked at each other and got teary. Really. Big bonding.

And it was a tough week for a really good reason too: Hebrew is hitting the hard stuff: grammar. I am NOT GOOD at English grammar (us smart kids got out of Elementary English Class routinely so we could do enlightening work such as "excavate the cookie like an Egyptian ruin". I wish I were kidding. I never learned fractions for the same reason). I don't even know what a predicative participle IS, and apparently it's very important to ever understanding what on earth those ancient Hebrews were saying. So I picked up a basic English grammar from my father in law, and I hope that it will help.

And in my Ministry Studies class we finally had the big racism talk, which was really actually very very good. I don't know how much I can write in a blog like this to share with everyone, but I came to the realization that, truly, my "whiteness" is a false front. It doesn't mean anything; it isn't a culture, it doesn't impart anything to me, and in fact I've lost more to it than I've gained--except for priviledge and a sense of entitlement, which I don't think I want. It makes for a dang good discussion in person, but I'm still wrapping my mind around the concepts and I can't really put it all into words yet. But I CAN say that racism is alive and well in America, and if I'm not actively working against it, then I'm with it, and I don't want that. What will that mean for my ministry?

Still working on that.

It was part of my great revelation in Old Testament that, in the Exodus story, maybe I'm not with the Hebrews. Maybe, if I look at my sociological position today, I'm an Egyptian, perhaps even Pharoh. At best maybe Pharoh's daughter. Which is unpleasant. So I'm wrestling with that too. It's a big thing.

The week before Halloween is off from class; it's our reading week. I cannot wait for reading week. I will not read. I will sleep. I've been getting, at least by James' accounting, about 4 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes a nap. And lots and lots of coffee. I fear that maybe I've hit my coffee-dependence point, where additional coffee can't help me be MORE awake...I need coffee to do anything at all. As in, I have headaches when I haven't had coffee in 5 or so hours. I wake up with a coffee headache. Ugh, that can't be good.

On a positive note though, and this is pretty positive, I sent in my passport to be renewed on Thursday. I'm hopefully taking a trip abroad in January....more on that after I turn in the money!

So finally, life is ok. I can't imagine being able to do this any other way than how it's working out right now. I REALLY appreciate my husband and family, who are putting up with me a lot as I get grumpy about not reading/studying/memorizing/playing with Katie/sleeping enough. But I THINK I'm learning the balance. I just need to do what I can, not stress about what I cannot do, and simply BE the good-enough that I am.

God is I am who I am.
It will be what it will be.
I am good enough as I am good.

Hooray!