Midterms!

hard to believe that it's midterms already, but here they are.

Over the weekend I've been working on the Hebrew quiz-that-passes-for-a-midterm take home, and writing up an outline for my one-hour take home essay for Church History. Then we've got reading week break from Wednesday, Oct. 22nd until Tuesday, October 28th! Unfortunately, I'll need to write a paper for Old Testament and get at least the first half or so done on my Ministry Studies uber-paper, all before or after our brief jaunt back to Staunton. We'll only be there for Saturday, unfortunately, as James has rehearsals he has to be back for on Sunday. Pity.

At the moment I'm updating because I just don't want to go back and finish the last page of my Hebrew homework, as I understand personal possessive pronouns pretty well, and constructs get old after awhile. Mostly I need to just start memorizing vocabulary again...add that to my list for next week.

Actually, this weekend was a nice break; Aunt Sarah came to visit and so do Christine/Aunt Bean, and we all went out today to pick pumpkins with Katie. I really want to be excited about Halloween, but I'm having trouble since everything costs money. Bleugh. And I need to get my hair cut something fierce, but finding the time without Katie (who also needs a trim) is hard. Mostly we're just trying to help James out with his next week and a half, as he's got two shows going up at the same time and far too much work to do. I wish the commute wasn't so hard on him. And then there's the election. I'm very concerned for this country, and I'm trying to vote early, so I sent off my absentee application today. I just hope I get it in time!

OH! Here's some update-worthy news! It's pretty darn official now: I got my passport in the mail and I've paid for my trip to South Africa this winter! I'm going on the January intensive trip/class to study post-apartheid theology and the Belhar confession! I am so excited. I havne't been out of the country since I went to Germany after graduating high school, so it's bound to be very enlightening and eye opening. I really like my ministry studies class. It has the appearance of being very easy, until you really think about applying principals of community organizing and the near-scientific study of HOW to accomplish a ministry to your practice...and suddenly I can see why so many churches take the easy way out and opt to do programs and events that don't really impact the community. I'm trying to get more involved in Wyckoff Reformed church, but it's hard with my class schedule; the committees meet weekdays when I'm in class, so I'm starting with the food pantry that meets on Thursday mornings at 9am next door.

Otherwise the next big thing I really MUST do soon is put out some applications for Clinical Pastoral Education intensives this summer. I've GOT to get that out of the way--there just isn't time to do that during the school year if I'm watching Katie too. Then I'll need to do the same thing next summer, and finally have some sort of part-time job my final year. It's a lot to think about, but I've just got to do it. I must admit, I feel out of the loop compared to most of the rest of my classmates, who have full time preaching and pastoring positions already. They've got all kinds of real life experience, and every now and then I catch myself thinking something negative about staying home with Katie during the day--but I don't really feel that way. I'm very glad to get to be with her. She's learning so fast; she's talking in sentences! Short ones, but they're sentences! And she's almost ready to potty-train; she can tell when she needs to go. It's pretty funny, actually.

Well, I'm signing off before I describe more about Katie's day than my own, and I'll go hit the Hebrew until midnight or so; then I'm going to bed. G'nite!

I refuse to study for quizzes anymore

This was a major revelation this week. Or rather, I made the resolution not to study for quizzes anymore last week, and this week I bore it out, and I am so happy that I did. Out of my four classes, three of them have a quiz each time we meet. Cumulative quiz. And theoretically it can include your readings even if we didn't get to them in class.

I say theoretically because THAT has yet to happen.

But the idea of having to study for quizzes on top of finishing the readings and doing the papers was just too much, so I decided that I'd just read my homework and go over my notes a few times before class, and forget worrying about any specialized study. It seems to be working.

Earlier this week I had the strangest encounter on the train platform. Someone had brought two dozen Dunkin Donuts to class and only two were left over. I had the misfortune of being the last one out of the room, so it was decided that I had to dispose of said donuts. I didn't really want to eat either of them; one was a chocolate covered cream, and the other some sort of nut-crusted apple. They both looked good, but I just didn't want a donut. So I figured that I'd take the whole box and see if anyone at the train wanted my donuts.

So I schlep the donuts in their box all the way to the station, where I arrive early with NO ONE else on the platform. So I sit. And as the first person arrives, I ask, "Um, hey. Do you want a donut?" "Oh, no thank you," she replies, "I don't eat donuts."
"You don't eat donuts? Is it the sugar?"
"No, I just don't like them."
"You don't LIKE donuts? Why??"
"I just don't. Why don't you eat one?"
"Well, I like donuts just fine, I just don't want one right now."
"Why do you even have donuts? A meeting?"
"Oh, left over from class."
"Oh. Well, maybe someone else will want a donut." And she sits down next to me.

Another man approaches; he looks a creative sort.
"Hi. Uh, would you like a donut?"
"Oh, no thanks. I already had a donut today."
"You've got a donut quota?"
"Ha, yeah. Sorta. What's in there?"
"Chocolate covered cream and apple."
"Oh, yeah, I prefer plain."
"Ok."
"They've probably got razorblades or something anyway."
"I hope not! They're from the seminary. They probably have trans fats though, which is just as bad."
"Yeah."
And he takes up a post to my other side. Then a small group arrives, which appears to be some sort of performance troupe. One of them carries drumsticks, but they all have that slightly manic quality and specific hand gestures that belies an actor.
"Hey, anybody want a donut? They're free."
"Oh no. Thanks. I don't eat donuts."
"Nobody seems to eat donuts anymore. I just don't want to throw them away."
"What's she doing?" "She's giving out donuts." "Is it an experiment?" "No, I just want to give them away." "Why, does she work for Dunkin Donuts?" "No, someone brought them to class and I don't want to waste them. Do YOU want a donut?" "No thank you. I'm a vegetarian."
"Are you a vegan?" "No, just a vegetarian." "What's wrong with a donut?" "I don't know. Probably fat or something." "Oh, yeah, it's definitely got fat."
"So do none of you want my donut?"
"............No, none of us want your donuts."
And then THEY just stand around next to me, waiting to see what will happen next. And naturally, with a small crowd, nothing much does.
"Free donut?" "No thanks." "Free donut?" "Uhm, no."
"Is it that I'm giving out donuts?" I ask the first woman. "What if I was giving out ham sandwiches?"
"Ham sandwiches would definitely be more sketchy than donuts. I wouldn't eat your ham sandwich."
"Is it that there are only two left? Like the last cookie on the plate, everyone wants to be polite?"
"That might have something to do with it."
"Look, I just want someone to take just one of these donuts, because until then, even that theory doesn't work."
"Oh, say, there's Matt. Hey Matt! You want a donut?"
"Sure! Oooo, chocolate covered cream!"
"Hooray! Someone ate my donut!"
And the whole crowd does a little cheer. I kidd you not.
"Wow, awesome. Thanks for the donut. You made my night."
"You made my night by taking my donut."
"Well happy to help."
"Me too."
"I'd like to buy a donut."
"What? No! Just take the donut!"
"They are free?"
"Yes! Please! Take it!"
"Oh, thank you!"
"It's apple."
"Oh good. I like apples."
"Well look at you; you gave away all your donuts."
"I'm glad I finally did."
"Here, let me take that box for you; I'm already standing."
"Thank you."

And then, slowly, we all dissolved back into our own worlds, waiting for the train. I wished I had more donuts.

what a week

Well, it's been one of those weeks, when it feels like everything is pressing down on you and you just don't know how you're going to make it through today, let alone tomorrow. But I also feel like I've been really blessed in dealing with it, because I've got lots of support.

Let's count my blessings: I received well over a dozen notes of encouragement from Covenant Presbyterian Church, which was AWESOME, because they ended up being spaced about 3 to a day and arrived all week, so that little bit of support went a very long way to making me feel loved-from-afar. I think I'd have to credit this surprise for a general buoyancy that kept me afloat this week.
My in-laws are phenomenal, as is my husband--all three of which have tolerated my wretched grumpiness this week with barely a raised eyebrow. I have been in my "prickly pear" mode, meaning that my prickles have been out subjugating the world, and my pear has remained...succulent? Oh the metaphor worked much better earlier this week.
My classmates are really great. I think I've connected with at least one person during each break this week, and several of us have gotten all teary at a number of points.

That's something I don't think we really expected: that we'd cry when things got overwhelming, or we had too much reading to do, or couldn't study for the quizzes enough. I hugged a big grown man the other night when he said "I haven't cried this much since I was a kid," and I said, "me too!" and we just looked at each other and got teary. Really. Big bonding.

And it was a tough week for a really good reason too: Hebrew is hitting the hard stuff: grammar. I am NOT GOOD at English grammar (us smart kids got out of Elementary English Class routinely so we could do enlightening work such as "excavate the cookie like an Egyptian ruin". I wish I were kidding. I never learned fractions for the same reason). I don't even know what a predicative participle IS, and apparently it's very important to ever understanding what on earth those ancient Hebrews were saying. So I picked up a basic English grammar from my father in law, and I hope that it will help.

And in my Ministry Studies class we finally had the big racism talk, which was really actually very very good. I don't know how much I can write in a blog like this to share with everyone, but I came to the realization that, truly, my "whiteness" is a false front. It doesn't mean anything; it isn't a culture, it doesn't impart anything to me, and in fact I've lost more to it than I've gained--except for priviledge and a sense of entitlement, which I don't think I want. It makes for a dang good discussion in person, but I'm still wrapping my mind around the concepts and I can't really put it all into words yet. But I CAN say that racism is alive and well in America, and if I'm not actively working against it, then I'm with it, and I don't want that. What will that mean for my ministry?

Still working on that.

It was part of my great revelation in Old Testament that, in the Exodus story, maybe I'm not with the Hebrews. Maybe, if I look at my sociological position today, I'm an Egyptian, perhaps even Pharoh. At best maybe Pharoh's daughter. Which is unpleasant. So I'm wrestling with that too. It's a big thing.

The week before Halloween is off from class; it's our reading week. I cannot wait for reading week. I will not read. I will sleep. I've been getting, at least by James' accounting, about 4 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes a nap. And lots and lots of coffee. I fear that maybe I've hit my coffee-dependence point, where additional coffee can't help me be MORE awake...I need coffee to do anything at all. As in, I have headaches when I haven't had coffee in 5 or so hours. I wake up with a coffee headache. Ugh, that can't be good.

On a positive note though, and this is pretty positive, I sent in my passport to be renewed on Thursday. I'm hopefully taking a trip abroad in January....more on that after I turn in the money!

So finally, life is ok. I can't imagine being able to do this any other way than how it's working out right now. I REALLY appreciate my husband and family, who are putting up with me a lot as I get grumpy about not reading/studying/memorizing/playing with Katie/sleeping enough. But I THINK I'm learning the balance. I just need to do what I can, not stress about what I cannot do, and simply BE the good-enough that I am.

God is I am who I am.
It will be what it will be.
I am good enough as I am good.

Hooray!